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10 Ways to Love Your Child Today

Family Plans, Hero's Journey, Parent Resources, Tips for AA Parents

It seems silly to say. We all know our #1 job as parents is to love our children. We do love them. It’s as natural as breathing.

But are we living our lives so our children feel this love in their bones? Are we creating a home that is our children’s favorite place to be? Are we building hearts and spirits strong enough so we are no longer needed? Are we loving them well today?

Here are 10 little ideas that communicate love and respect. I thank Cyndi Hanes for her little book “2,002 Ways to Show Your Kids You Love Them” and how she helped me remember little things each day do matter.

  1. Give a milk “toast” to your child at dinner.
  2. Knock before entering your child’s room.
  3. Remember that tears are healing. Let them flow when your child is sad.
  4. Replace lectures with stories.
  5. Apologize if you embarrass your child.
  6. Have a suggestion box for your family.
  7. When your child is talking, don’t interrupt.
  8. Give yourself a time-out if you become angry, snippy or critical. Tell your child you will return when you feel better.
  9. Never let a day go by without saying, “I love you” and sharing a hug.
  10. Write your child a love letter with 50 things you love about her.

As Jane Austen said, “Ah! There’s nothing like staying home for real comfort.” What can you do today for your child to feel utterly comfortable upon walking in the door?

Three Weeks Left in our First Session – How are you?

Parent Resources

Feeling confident? Insecure? Confused? Content?

Are you taking it all in?

Each of us has unique stories about our child’s experiences at Acton Academy over the past three weeks. It may not seem like much yet from what you have observed.

But when I walk through the Acton studios each day and witness the children at work and play, I am nothing short of stunned. I see Growth.

I don’t know a college student or business owner or parent or writer who does more internal work, more growing, listening and learning in a day than our children do on their Acton journey.

This growth won’t come home to you packaged neatly as homework assignments; or a grade on a weekly spelling quiz which makes you say, “oh good, my child can spell.”

While the kind of growth happening at Acton in these first weeks does have some metrics (the online dashboards, for example,) the biggest growth may come home in more human terms such as tears over a struggle; or a ranting of frustration over having to earn freedoms.  It may come home as a big smile of satisfaction over finishing a tough goal; or as genuine excitement about returning to school for time with new friends. It even may be seen by you as sheer exhaustion and grumpiness due to a day so full of learning that your child can’t even talk about it until after a good sleep.

You will soon see a signed Contract honed through tough committee work; a Lip Dub choreographed, filmed and edited by 6-10 year olds; and Learning Plans outlining a vision for a year’s work created by 11-16 year olds. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what the Eagles have been doing each day and they are not minor accomplishments. They are the outcomes of complex projects each requiring critical thinking, problem-solving, negotiating, speaking and writing with clarity, and true collaboration. (And these examples are just the tip of the iceberg of what the Eagles have been doing each day.)

As parents, we must wait for the learning outcomes patiently. There are no cheat sheets or Cliff Notes available for this kind of work. It takes time.

The hero’s journey is not a straight line with a syllabus and schedule attached based on one’s age. It is hard. It is personal. It is unpredictable. It takes honesty, courage, and grit to move forward because learning includes struggling and most people don’t gravitate toward a struggle. Most people avoid hard work and hope for an easy way out.

“Most people want to fit in. Most people are afraid. Most people aren’t curious. But you are not most people.” (From Seth Godin’s great little book Tribes.)

The traditional system you have opted out of is one that can be easily “gamed;” however,  ultimately plays out as intellectual bankruptcy. I want so much more for my children.

So hang in there if you are sensing an inner resistance. Resistance builds strength.

The Invisible System at Acton Academy

Parent Resources

The great privilege in my work is hearing personal stories of growth sparked by the Acton model: a tight-knit learning community where individuality is honored not in spite of the larger community (system) but because of it and its standards rooted in love and respect.

An Acton parent recently sent me this email. She gave me permission to share it with you. Her story re-inspires me to trust the children. Here are her words:

During the second session of this school year, our daughter came home and told me that her Deep Book Badge was taken away by the Council. They audited her Running Partner’s badge and since his got taken away for its poor quality, hers did as well.

I was not exactly happy with her explanation. Below was how that conversation took place at home after school:

Mom:  They took your deep book badge away because your Running Partner did not do his work well?  Should I talk to the guides about this?

Daughter:  No, it is okay mom!

Silence from mom.

Mom: Should I talk to his mom about this to help your Running Partner try harder next time?

Daughter: No, it is okay mom!

Silence from mom.

Mom: But you spent weeks reading and working on your Deep Book Badge. Is it fair that they took it away because of your Running Partner?

Daughter: It is okay mom!

Silence from mom.

More silence from mom.

Mom: Why are you okay with this whole thing?

Daughter: Mom, have you ever thought that this is a great opportunity for me to be a better Running Partner regardless of losing my badge? I now have a second chance to help my Running Partner!  I will get it back again but I really want to help him do a better job this time.

What did I learn from this conversation with our young daughter (in her second year at Acton)?

I learned there is a wonderful invisible system that takes place during the day while our kids are at school learning together as a community. The system constantly rearranges itself to help all of our kids: the slow, the fast, the strong, the weak, the hard working and all the ones in between.

It is often too easy for us to think of how many badges our kids collect, how many boxes they checked off, or how may lessons that they finished because those are the tangible things we could see and measure.

I was too quick to think about the deep book badge my daughter lost and did not see how she was able to stretch herself to grow mentally.

From losing the Deep Book Badge, she has received a series of  lessons back: accountability, compassion, self evaluation, and a second chance to be a better Running Partner.

These lessons are the same for her Running Partner.

You really can’t teach that in a textbook.

Our daughter did a wonderful job of reminding me to step back and allow her to grow.

Acton is her community and she owns it.

 

 

The Big Untruth about Acton Academy

Parent Resources

The big lie is that we don’t believe teachers are important.

One must simply look deep into our learning community to understand our truth. What you will see is a teacher-student ratio of at least 20:1. We have at least twenty teachers for each student.

It’s all in how we define “teacher.” Merriam Webster defines teacher as, “ a person or thing that teaches something.”  Notice the lack of required degree or certification in this definition. We embrace this idea this because it opens wide the door for finding great teaching everywhere – if you know how to seek it. It also makes it impossible to get stuck with a “bad teacher.”

At Acton, the goal is to free our young heroes to discover excellent teachers all around them. We connect them to each other and to examples of excellent teachers in their own lives and within the world at large.

Here is how it looks:

The Eagles are teachers to themselves and to each other.  Sal Khan is their teacher.  Alex de Tocqueville and Harper Lee are their teachers.  Socratic discussions are their teachers. Town Meetings are their teachers.  Mistakes are their teachers. Conflict resolutions are their teachers. Mentors in apprenticeships are their teachers. Artists and coaches are their teachers. Parents are their teachers.

Today I saw a chicken teach.

We joyfully and with awe witnessed life fighting the confines of a shell and breaking through to breathe – then wobbling around on feet that seemed too big, until it collapsed as a wet, exhausted, alive baby chicken. This chicken taught us more about biology and about the fragility and mystery of life than a textbook or project plan ever could.

Last night I saw a 13-year-old teach a 52-year-old how to turn replicating decimals into a fraction. “Mom, that was really fun. I just taught Dad some math!” Maybe he can teach me tonight.

Yesterday I saw “To Kill a Mockingbird” teach an 11-year-old about justice, American history, prejudice and the psychology of mob mentality. How dreadful to imagine learning such concepts from an expert giving a lecture.

I know many of you sit with your Eagles and read or do math or cook or build a boat or travel with spirits of adventure and learning. You are wise and excellent teachers.

While we don’t assign homework, our “teachers” assign it to themselves because the learning goes on and on and on when you are free and on a hero’s journey.

Introducing Our Next Academic Calendar – and the “Why” Behind It

Parent Resources

One key skill in Socratic guiding is the ability to gauge the energy in a room and adjust the experience or environment accordingly.

At Acton, we do this at the micro level such as in the midst of a Socratic discussion and at the macro level with our 11-months academic calendar.  The goal? Capitalizing on the mental and physical energy essential for learning while preventing burnout, a real killer of curiosity.

As a parent, I’ve learned from this to pay attention to my children’s mental and physical states of well-being before diving into difficult conversations or tasks.

The intention behind our annual academic calendar is all about riding the ebb and flow of mental, physical and spiritual energy in order to enhance learning. As a community, we run hard for 5-6 weeks; then rest. Rest is critical but too much rest is counterproductive to the momentum in learning; hence, we build in a 6-7 week summer break rather than three months.

Take note of our next academic year calendar below. (It looks a bit different than year’s past because of Labor Day falling later.)

2015-2016 School Calendar

August 28: Welcome back party, 10am – Noon on campus

Monday, August 31: First Day of School – Launch of a 5 Day Acton Boot Camp to gear up for the year

Monday, September 7, Labor Day – No School

October 12-16: Fall Break

November 23-27: Thanksgiving Break

December 21 – January 3: Holiday Break

February 15-19: Winter Break

March 28-April 8: Spring Break

May 23- May 30: Early Summer Break

July 15: Last Day of school

I hope you have rested and played well this Winter Break. I’ll be ready to say, “Good Morning” early on Monday morning.

Most difficult adjustment for new Eagles?

Parent Resources

You’d think it would be one of these:

  • Online learning
  • Socratic discussions
  • Collaborative quest work
  • Emphasis on writing, public speaking, logic and rhetoric
  • Peer managed studios
  • High standards of kindness and honesty.

But it’s not.

The biggest adjustment incoming middle school and high school Eagles encounter is a two-fold life skill – both simple and difficult:

  • Organizing work and time management.

A common reflection from new parents is this: “In our previous school, our child was always told what to do, when to do it and how to do it.”

At Acton, we have no bells that shout, “Math is over. Now go to English.”

This signal must come from within.

The Eagles must ask themselves: How much time do I need to finish my Deep Book? Should I focus first on Khan skills or Civilization today? Why did I fail to finish my Genre Badge last week? What is urgent and what is important today?

I’ve learned when my sons are struggling at Acton, the best questions I ask include reflections about their organization and time management practices rather than simply content of the curriculum: “You seem stuck in math. Are you spending as much time there as you do in your reading?”  Or, “I know you are disappointed not to earn your badge. You worked hard. Was the work itself too challenging or is it a matter of organizing the work better as you go and then remembering to post it online?”

There are days I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been given this opportunity at age 12.

How to Close a Year?

Parent Resources

The closing of a year isn’t all about clear victories and tidy conclusions. Baffling questions remain. Goals left undone. Wounds not quite healed. The ever-mysterious job of parenting…

As Acton Academy parents, we have made this bold, not common, choice: we will give our children freedom to wrestle with their problems, sit in the doldrums and climb sharp, craggy mountains on this journey of learning and life.

Yes, we will even let them suffer.

(Is this why I have more wrinkles than I want?)

At the close of the year, I need to remind myself that we do this because we know that giving our children this full – not glossed over – learning experience will give them the best gift of all: truly owning the victory of following their bliss and serving the world in an authentically unique way.

This poem by Wendell Berry has helped me in this real work we parents have chosen. I also share it with my children when their going gets tough:

The Real Work

It may be that when we no longer know what to do

we have come to our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go

we have begun our real journey.

The mind that is not baffled is not employed.

The impeded stream is the one that sings.

A final reflection of 2014: What is Acton Academy?

Parent Resources

The idea we called “Acton Academy” has taken a life of its own. And this has nothing to do with me or with Jeff.

It is because of the courage, curiosity and passion of each parent, child and guide who has been a part our community at some point since we began in 2009. I remember each face, each gift, each voice.

Yes, Acton is a school that will equip young people to be successful leaders in the world.

But it is so much more.

Acton is a feeling, a belief, a way to live.

Being a part of Acton means saying, “yes!” to a rich life that includes accountability, kindness, and true work.

It means saying, “yes!” to the belief that each human is an infinite mystery, perfectly gifted to do something meaningful in this world.

It means saying, “yes!” to owning one’s education and waking up each day with new questions to pursue.

Acton is less of a disruptive school and more of an awakening of minds.

It is a quiet, new way to do the “school thing” within a small, tight community of lifelong learners.

As I head into my holiday hibernation, I could not be more grateful for each person who has crossed our threshold since Day 1.  I continue to be awestruck by the people I get to share my daily life around at Acton. Even if it’s simply the connection of that morning wave or handshake at the curbside.

“Once an Acton Eagle, always an Acton Eagle.”

We have tasted together the joy and fun of deciding to take charge of our own learning. We have shared part of this journey called life. We are fellow travelers.

Godspeed to all. See you next year.

A Parenting Lecture or Not?

Parent Resources

My parenting quandary:

My child is deeply stressed about the deadlines in school.

I’m in the mood to lecture because it’s easy and time efficient.

BUT… I’m an Acton parent and, intellectually, I understand this does not work.

SO… I dig deeper into myself and come up with one of two things:

1)   A question phrased with two options for answers knowing this will open up the conversation for me to learn more about his experience;

Or,

2)   A story – hopefully one from my childhood that makes me the vulnerable protagonist.

The power of storytelling isn’t just that it is fun.

The power is rooted in the human body’s chemistry.

I like to take this article about storytelling and substitute the words “organization” and “business” with “family.” http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/10/why-your-brain-loves-good-storytelling/?utm_source=Socialflow&utm_medium=Tweet&utm_campaign=Socialflow

Because isn’t Family the human organization needing this kind of transformation the most? I know ours is.

 

What if every child had a cheerleader?

Parent Resources

I wrote, “Hi, my name is Laura” across the front of my race shirt with a sharpie. It was my first marathon and I was taking all the advice I could get.

The advice was simple: People will cheer you by name and you’ll feel fueled by their energy just when you need it most.

I’ll never forget rounding mile 16 and hearing a stranger yell, “GO Laura! You can do it!” She even looked me right in the eye. Every mile after that someone called my name and cheered me on.

These strangers – my angel cheerleaders – lifted me up and even today bring tears of gratitude as I remember them.

Since then, I’ve wished everyone had a cheerleader.

Imagine if a child – when right when finishing a Khan skill seemed impossible –heard from over her shoulder, “You can do it! Don’t give up!”

Or at the moment she is afraid to choose the challenging book over the comfortable one hears from the sidelines of the bookshelves, “You can read the tough one! I know you! Go for it!”

Or just before stepping up to give a speech with shaking knees she hears a whisper from a friend, “You’ve got this! You’ve done the hard work! I’m with you.”

Even if a cheer takes the form of a knowing wink and two thumbs up, wouldn’t it be wonderful in those moments?

As our Eagles hunker down to tackle their Learning Badges, they may not see high kicks and pom pons, but I believe we do have a cheering squad lurking in the corners of our community. We just don’t recognized it in those terms.

It takes one knowing person at the right time to say, “You are one of the special ones.” “I know you can do this.” “I trust you to work it out.” “You’ve got this.”

These words can come from a friend, a peer, an Eagle buddy, a parent, a mentor, a guide. It is the authentic human connection that counts:  I see you. I know you. I care.

These simple things do matter when the road looks brutally long and you want to give up.

But then you don’t.

 

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